me, on my first proper day in London, outside my flat
17th june, 2010
When I first got to London, I was tremendously conscious of dates. Two dates in particular: the 26th of May, when I left New Zealand, and the 16th of June, when I arrived in London. Each month, when the 26th or the 16th rolled around, I would think, it has been x months since I left Wellington, or, I have been living in London for x months.
And then I sort of stopped. I don't remember when but probably after my 'leaving Wellington' anniversary. It became a bit harder to count and, honestly, I stopped caring. And when I became conscious of the fact that it was closer to when I would have to leave London, than it was to when I had arrived, it just seemed best to put those thoughts out of my head.
Two years is a tease. This Tier 5 Working Visa is just a complete and utter tease. You spend the first year here getting used to it, being far from home, the underground, understanding why English supermarkets insist on wrapping all vegetables in plastic. You have your first Christmas, first snowfall, you see the first daffodils in St James Park in March. And then suddenly, it's been a year, and you start doing all these things for the second time. Except, not only is it your second time, it's also your last.
I don't want to live in London, or England, for the rest of my life. I like New Zealand, I am looking forward to returning there when the time comes. I just hate the fact that I can't choose when it is that I leave London. If I could choose, I would stay longer. Not a lot longer, but longer. I wish that I could know when it is that I've had enough, and then leave when that time comes.
So now, it is April 2012. Next month, I will be able to say that I left New Zealand two years ago. But my visa expires on June 4th, 2012 and there's no escaping it. So plans must be made. Lists of things I still haven't managed to do in London yet must be made. Lists of things I want to do again in London must also be made. And plans to leave must be put in to motion.
And I think I've begun to make my peace with having to leave. Honestly, there's not a whole lot I can do about it, and perhaps that's a good thing. Perhaps if I didn't have the option, I'd just stay here and stay here and stay here, and put off other, less glamorous but more necessary, things that one needs to do in one's life.
But, it's not quite time to go home, and I hope to see out the rest of the year in Berlin. Germany will be an adventure like England, but harder. I don't speak German, nor am I totally certain about what kind of work I'll be able to get, but it doesn't scare me as much as I thought it would. Quite the opposite really. I can't wait.
And, at least I can leave London when I am still having a good time. I've always maintained that that's the best way to roll.
wellington, may 2009
